Oprah says that “Every single death is an invitation to live more fully.”

Everyone has their own pre-conceived method or idea of what grieving is, usually pre-determined by a culture, a religious belief, or by their own imagining. Many people feel that loss is loss, certainly there is loss in many degrees and forms; the loss of a job, loss of a marriage, moving to a new city, kids leaving for college. There are changes and transitions in our lives that may be really tough to adapt to. These challenges leave us feeling at a loss and of course it takes time to get accustomed to these changes.

One particular kind of loss, however, changes our lives dramatically, forever.

I am referring to the death of someone who holds great significance in our life. Even when we know that death is coming, there really is no way to be prepared for that transition. Expected or not, we are faced with the unbelievable task of saying goodbye forever.

I remember long ago, wanting and needing to empathize with a friend of mine whose mother had died. I tried, I really tried, to feel it and understand it, because I didn’t want her to have to feel this alone and be so alone. I can honestly confirm, having now been on both sides of grief; if you have not yet experienced the death of someone to whom your heart is so deeply connected; you can have no clue, until it happens to you.

There is an empty black hole that is left in your gut. It’s feeling your heart as it breaks under the weight of reality, as it hits you so hard that you are knocked clean off your world. So hard, that it can take months for you to catch your breath again. I share this only to give you a view from above so that if you have not yet experienced a death like this, perhaps you will have a better idea as to how you can support someone during this chapter of their lives.

So how can anyone possibly move forward in their life and recover from something so impactful?

When you are grieving to such a degree it is critical to conserve your strength, and to simplify your life to preserve yourself while you are working so hard internally. Listen to your feelings and take grief breaks by being with your grief for a few minutes or for a time. You will not get stuck there if you will let yourself be with your grief and then allow yourself to move through it. It is ok to laugh and feel good and look forward, this is not a betrayal of your love for them if you are not constantly grieving heavily.

There are some simple allowances that help you to do just this:

• Simplify your life to accommodate your grief, because it is sacred.
• Grief will hit you at the oddest and most unexpected times, so watch for it.
• The only way to get through your grief is to go through it.
• Give yourself permission and room to experience your grief.
• This is your process; take it at your own pace, not someone else’s.
• Journal ~ Write, write, write, about the memories, feelings, missing them, the sorrow and the joy. Yes, there is joy… Look for it.
• Breathe and rest often, take baby steps, and be tender with yourself.
• You will never stop missing them, but it won’t always be like this.
• Find people you can talk to and who will listen. Tell your story.

Feel free to take the pressure off yourself - let someone else chair the committee, or bring the snacks to soccer, or launch the new product. Be willing to assert yourself and say no for awhile. Make plans for lunch with a friend who is sure to understand if you have to cancel at the last minute because it is all too much.

Whether it is writing thank you notes or throwing a birthday party, take it down a notch or three. Your concentration at this time of your grief process and for the next six months, a year, or even more is fleeting and you may be completely preoccupied.

Get guidance from someone who has come through their own significant grief in a healthy and happy way; they can guide us in discovering a new manner of approaching life, as well as how to make peace with it. Many who are grieving intend to get help as soon as they get back to being themselves. Our soft underbelly is exposed and the truth is, we may never fully be the self that we used to be before they died! Of course we have been changed and it will help to find the right person who understands this process and with guidance, learn the skills and tools that will come to serve us. And that person will also remind you that you’re not crazy or losing it - you’re grieving!

This is a time when self-care is important. That also means watching out for the opinions and suggestions of others who may mean well, however, if they have not yet experienced their own significant loss they are probably ill equipped to guide you through yours. Know that they most likely mean well and that it is difficult for them to watch you go through this. Trust your own feelings, reach out for help when it feels right, and you will know if it is right for you.

Additionally, you may never have asked for help in your entire life, but now is the time to do just that. We are not supposed to go this alone so ask for help and make a list. When someone says to you “if there is anything I can do, just let me know,” take them at their word, pull out the list and let them choose something to do for you. It may be mowing the lawn or walking the dog, or picking up the kids from school, or taking your turn at the bake sale. Whatever it is, it will feel like such a gift, a breath of air when you can crawl under the covers for a moment and take a much needed nap or just be quiet to breathe, to write, or to cry for a bit.

As a friend to someone who is grieving, there is much you can do, but first here is what you should not do, (directly from the mouths of those who are grieving):

“Please don’t tell me you know how I feel, or to let him go or it’s time to move on, only I can determine that for myself. Don’t tell me that you’ll be glad when I get back to being myself because I may never be myself again.” Be careful to not rush to define their life for them or try to fix them, you can’t.

Here is what they do need from you: “I need you to listen to me, be willing to cry with me, say her name and share the memories you have, this comforts me; I am doing this with you or without you but it feels really good to hear that you remember him too. Mostly, stand by me, ask me what I need and know that it may change from day to day, or minute to minute but give me time, as long as it takes and listen, listen, listen well.”

I am a Grief Coach CPC, schooled by life experience when my son died at the age of 23 in 1996; I had three other children to help through this really devastating time of our lives and I learned, in time, the tools and skills I now offer to my clients. Primarily, I learned that the death of one so significant in my life was crippling and afterward nothing in my world felt the same. As a family, we became better at pushing through and being fully present with our feelings. I noticed that over time and with good, hard grief work, we began to experience less and less intensity, with more space in between; that’s when, in time, our grief became like an old friend that would visit, bringing memories of the one we love.

Good grief coaches recognize that you are on a tiny boat in the middle of an epic storm. They climb onto that boat with you and offer a guiding hand to hold you steady through the e-motion of your ocean, until you can begin to feel it and learn to read the waves as they approach and prepare for them to wash over you. You will learn to breathe; you will build core strength to hold you in place until it subsides. In time you will place your gaze upon the horizon again, and begin to navigate toward shore and calm waters.

The death of someone you grieve can open your heart, your eyes, and teach you more about yourself, about love and life than any other experience possibly could. It is an opportunity to find a new strength within you that you never thought possible. I know that if God said to me today “I will give him back to you, right now…. but you must first give back to me everything you have learned,” I would have to say no, no thank you; I would never want to go back to what I did not know then. All that I know now are his gifts, his presence to me.

Buddhist Teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh wisely observed, “Life happens; it’s what you Do with it that determines your potential for Joy.”

Grieving Through The Holidays

During certain times, like birthdays, holidays, the anniversary of the death, etc. your grief will return and even intensify. During those special times, you notice that your loved one is so obviously missing and you grieve again afresh. These are times that you can prepare for, anticipate and have a plan… but make those plans soft, pliable.

On the first Christmas after Demetrius died, my children began hanging the stockings and of course they hung his. We felt awkward for a moment and then we created a new tradition by writing something to or about Demetrius and placing it in his stocking. I look forward to that moment each year. I enjoy the silence with my Christmas cheer, light the white candle in remembrance of him, and look over the notes from previous years in awe of how far I’ve come.

You, too, can create ceremony or moments that are sacred, sweet or humorous recognizing your loved one. And don’t forget: the Holidays can be a very tender time so be tender with yourself. A few things to remember:

• Pace yourself, don’t try to do as much as you have in the past.
• Send fewer cards, it’s ok.
• Go for the easier, less elaborate recipes or activities.
• Opt out of having the festivities at your home, prioritize social events and attend only the most important, one or two.
• Lower your expectations of yourself and others.As the years pass be willing to invent new traditions and hold onto the less strenuous of the old ones.
• Make it a time for you and family if/when that feels best.
• Take baby steps, breathe, simplify where you can and take frequent naps.

Remember that grieving well is really hard work, so go easy on yourself and others; and ask for help if you need it. Mostly, try to enjoy the moments as they arrive, this is Life.