It seems few of us could remember how old we were when we first heard it… but hear it we all did. It went something like this. “Remember: Stop, Look, and Listen - pay attention!” In that moment most of us got it that listening was a really important thing for us to do. But… in the hustle and bustle of being a child with so much to explore and so much to do, stopping, looking, and listening was likely the farthest thing from our minds.
And then we grew up. But, things didn’t change much. It always seemed as though there was more to do, more that demanded our time and attention. Listening to each other, like most everything else, became something we did on the run just so we could keep up with life.
Have you noticed how, in these days of our jet-age paced living, it seems we are almost always talking and listening to technology? Have you spoken to an automated telephone answering message lately? Last week travelling through a busy international airport, I sat down at a restaurant table and my gaze was drawn to a booth nearby with four people in it. Each of them on their own cell phone was having an animated conversation with someone obviously not at the table. Not only was there no one in that group listening to one another, no one was paying attention.
Why is it so important, in fact vital that we listen, that we pay attention? Simply, so the other person can be heard. At the surface level, when another person listens to us it validates that what we have to say is worth listening to. At a much deeper level, being listened to, validates that we ourselves have value. We’re worthy of another’s attention. This is fundamental to our good health and well being as humans. At the core, this is an act of compassion.
Very often we believe and behave as though compassion is about what we do or what we say. I have learned over the years that doing and saying pale sadly in comparison to the elegant and graceful art of listening. The truth is, we all simply want and need to be heard.
There is an old story about an aspiring Western news journalist that was very excited to be able to interview Mother Teresa in Calcutta, India and thereby carve out her status amongst the journalistic greats of her time.
Standing before the Mother she asked, “Mother, I suppose you pray a lot to God.” Mother responded, “Yes dear, I do.”
“When you pray to God, what do you say?” she asked. Mother responded, “When I pray to God dear, I listen.”
Somewhat frustrated that the answer did not live up to her expectations for a juicy article the journalist bore down and continued on in earnest asking, “When you do that Mother, does God answer you?”
“Oh yes dear, God always answers.”
Feeling herself on the verge of the breakthrough response, the one that would anchor her career in the greatness she so hungered for, the excited journalist asked “When God answers you Mother, what does God say?”
“When God answers dear he listens… and if I you ask me to explain that to you, I can’t.”
Why is listening such a powerful and yet compassionate thing to do? It’s simple. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care. What people really want is to feel cared for and cared about. One of the easiest and yet most meaningful ways to do that is simply listening.
In Chinese, one of the oldest languages on earth, the word for listening incorporates two symbols translated as “open” with “heart.” Being with another with an open heart is the essence of compassion.
Listening and compassion share one fundamental element, without which neither would be possible. That element is presence. Presence is to be fully here, fully aware, fully open, right here, right now. When we are in this pristine state of awareness, in the now, listening and compassion meld into one and show up simply as presence.
Being fully present means several things:
In presence, we are giving someone our undivided focused attention. We are not making to-do lists in our mind. We are not simply waiting for them to take a breath so we can launch another salvo of what we want to say. Nor are we engaging in any other activity which takes us out of being with them in that moment.
In presence there is a willingness to be simply engaged with what the other is saying and feeling. That might mean risking feeling uncomfortable ourselves, especially when listening to people closest to us speak about something that is painful to them. The closer we are emotionally to the speaker, the more we are likely to be affected by their pain. When someone we love appears to be suffering, we are naturally inclined to hug them, hold them close or soothe the emotion in some way. Emotions healthily expressed are a pathway to freedom. Just being present and allowing their authentic experience in the moment, is the healthiest and most compassionate way to be with them. In other words… just be present. By just pausing and not rushing in with our need to soothe, what we would witness is the miracle of nature’s own intelligence letting the emotion simply be fully experienced, witnessed, and released. Science has discovered that emotion healthily released need only last no more than ninety seconds! Then is the time for our hug.
In presence it is crucial we avoid the impulse to fix the other person’s pain, stress, or other challenges. Most of us want to come up with an immediate solution in the form of “Well just do this” or “Don’t worry about it, everything is going to be okay.” One of the most detrimental reactions is, “Don’t cry,” which completely shuts the other person down.
The compassionate response is to just be present.
Nature is a wonderful teacher of the art of listening. Each morning Claire slips out to the garage and loads up a pail full of corn and critter mix. The almost imperceptible sound to our human ears of scooping the food into the bucket is like a shrieking alarm to the animal kingdom. As soon as she spreads the nuts, seeds, and grains on the ground the yard comes alive with animal life. First the deer come to feed. They listen to the wisdom of nature and leave some for the groundhogs and squirrels, the next visitors to the breakfast table. Then the crows, blue jays, morning doves, and on it goes, each one listening to the wisdom of nature and leaving a little for the next fellow. By evening there is still some corn left for the raccoons. All this from just one bucket of feed! Even the animals in the wild are listening to and caring for one another.
So how can we become more compassionate, more present in the moment? How can we become better listeners? Remember the old childhood admonition - Stop, Look, and Listen.
Stop and make a conscious choice to become aware of life, to become aware of your SELF. Stop and make a conscious choice to be here now, because there is truly no other place you can be.
Look at what is really important to you in life. How are you caring for your relationships with others? How are you caring for your relationship with yourself? How are you caring for your relationship with life?
Listen. Listen to what you heart says when you open and ask these questions. When the busy-ness is stopped, when the manic pace is slowed, when you allow yourself to open into the presence of your own presence itself, like Mother Theresa, all you need do is just listen. As you do, you will naturally find yourself more engaged with life.
The quality of our attention is intimately linked with our ability to love, nurture, even heal. The more we can allow and accept our own uncomfortable feelings to come and go naturally, the more we are able to be present to another and truly listen with an open heart.
We can’t turn the clock back and do life over. What we can do is start where we are right now and stop, look, and listen to ourselves. In that, an astounding world of fresh experience and possibility will reveal itself. Deeply knowing, loving, and accepting our own Self is one of the greatest treasures we can discover and a deep and lasting gift for others. Each time we interact with another we have the power to allow them to experience the value and greatness of their own Self simply by being present and willing to listen.
Cultivating this quality of listening will dramatically improve all our relationships. Ultimately, relationships and listening are what connect us to compassion and what connects us to life itself.
