“O’Doyle Rules!” It’s a classic bullying one-liner from comedy “Billy Madison.” Bullying has changed by leaps and bounds since parents of today were children. Gone are the days where a bulky kid throws his muscle around to shake down smaller children for lunch money. These days it is much harder to tell the difference between a bully and a victim just by looking at them. One child looks as innocent as the next and you won’t see the telltale signs like a black-eye or a “Kick Me” sign on one’s back.
Although bullying is harder to observe and the differences between bully and victim are harder to distinguish, the presence of bullying is growing and gaining more attention than ever. Yesteryear bullying took place at school; home was a welcomed reprieve. Now bullying can occur every minute of every day and haunt a child at school, at home, on every digital gadget a youth holds near and dear. There is no escape.
The consequences of bullying are well documented in the press with the grim highlights on senseless suicides and egregious school violence. Parents, teachers, students, and community members are all asking desperately what can be done to reduce the bullying epidemic.
What to do if my child is a bully?
You are probably saying, “My child isn’t a bully.” And you are probably right. Your child probably gets along with most kids, has many friends, and no major issues as far as you or the school is concerned. That aside there is a chance your child may still engage in bullying behaviors.
Bullying can take many forms. The behaviors can be represented by the obvious physical forms such as punching and hitting or in the more covert forms like name-calling, intentional exclusion, spreading rumors, or using the internet and text messaging to harass and harm others. Boy or girl, there is a chance your child has participated in one or more of the above-mentioned behaviors, even if their initial intent was good such as “sticking up for a friend.”
So what can parents do? Start early. Identify positive, pro-social behaviors that you would like to see in your child. Sharing, using proper names, including others are all behaviors that should be punctuated and reinforced by parents. Avoid laughing at name-calling as it may reinforce your child to continue these behaviors. Avoid minimizing these behaviors such as “It’s just teasing” or “It’s just a phase.” You may be neglecting a real issue.
As your child gets older one of the best things you can do for your child is monitor and supervise online and cell phone behaviors. Set expectations for positive pro-social online behavior. If you will not allow your child to go to the nearest mall or park unsupervised and swear at, threaten, demean, harass others you should not allow those behaviors to occur on the computers and cell phones you provide your child.
Be prepared to give consequences such as removing the ability to text from a phone if your child does not comply with your family’s expectations and values for online and phone behaviors. Your teen will likely tell you, “You are the meanest, most unfair parent.” (bullying behavior, by the way), but the next step is crucially important.
Although it may seem “mean” parents should reserve the right to view facebook pages, formspring questions, twitter feeds and text messages. Parents can do this in a variety of ways. Some parents choose to know all passwords and do random spot checks, other parents may make pages of their own and monitor from their page, some even have software programs in which they can view a child’s computer screen remotely from another computer or smart phone in the home.
Your choice should be based on your level of trust and responsibility in your child based on experience of how they comply with your expectations. If you see the word “Twitter” or “Formspring” and are thinking “I don’t even know what that is!” Get educated. If it is out there your teen is on it and if teens are on it then it is a place that bullying and harassment, not to mention other unsafe, concerning behaviors can occur.
What to do if my child is the victim of bullying?
Parents are often torn how to respond when their child reports bullying. Your first instinct may to be to rescue your child and retaliate against the other child or parents. (Bullying). Your child will likely tell you that coming forward to the school “Will only make things worse.” Parents may refrain because they sympathize with their victimized child and do not want to be responsible for more pain or anguish. Instead, use this as a teaching opportunity. Teach your child empowerment, advocacy, and problem solving by creating a plan that recognizes your child’s needs but also demonstrates you consider this a valid concern. Neglecting the issue can actually revictimize your child and structuring a plan really shows you as parents value your child and his/her opinions about how to handle the topic of bullying.
Start by setting a family meaning. Set the tone as positive and helpful. If possible, enlist the participation of siblings but notify them in advance of the positive, supportive message and remind them sarcasm, cut-downs, and negative comments (bullying) will not be tolerated. Set a goal, such as “Create a plan for how our family will respond to bullying.” You may even consider buying a piece of poster board and writing the goal across the top.
Next brainstorm. Include all suggestions, even silly or unlikely ones. All ideas are good ideas at this stage. Empower your bullied child by having them be the scribe for the family and write down all ideas on the board. Be specific and open. Instead of “Notify the school” consider broadening with multiple solutions such as “Schedule a school meeting for parents without child present,” “Schedule a school meeting for child and principal without parents present,” “Notify a trusted teacher or ally within the school like a coach or resource room worker,” “Tell someone from school via email,” “Tell someone from school face-to-face.” You should also add to your brainstorming list ideas like “Change privacy settings on facebook to limit who may post on Wall,” “Change phone number,” “Restrict/block numbers.”
Next, weigh options. Cross off impossible or inappropriate suggestions and consider combining certain parts of remaining suggestions. Part of the plan needs to include notifying the school but you can be flexible and sensitive to your child by selecting action-steps that are at least in part agreeable to him/her.
Document everything. Keep track of when your child informed you of the issue, when and how you addressed it as a family, who, what where, and when you addressed it with the school. Most schools these days have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying whether it occurs within the bounds of the school day or online after school.
Nonetheless, teachers and principals are people too and may be vulnerable to minimizing your child’s concern. Predict this problem up front but remain confident and hopeful. Remind your child you will meet as a family weekly to evaluate how the plan is going and make changes or troubleshoot as necessary. Your child will gain confidence in himself, you, and the school by the structure, attention, and positive attitude you apply to this process.
Bullying Resources
Bullying is not a new phenomenon but resources are needed to provide assistance to those impacted by this issue. Luckily, in Michigan we have groups like Gloves On, an anti-bullying campaign designed to raise awareness and to combat this issue. Please visit www.gloves-on.com or www.facebook.com/GlovesonLLC.
